Barret the schizophrenic
by bahamutslave
Summary: TOTALLY PSYCHOTIC! barret keeps seeing things! VERY WEIRD ENDING!


Barret the Schizophrenic  
  
Again I do not own FF7 squaresoft does, but my hat (what hat?) goes off to squaresoft  
  
(A month after the Sephiroth battle everybody goes home to wherever and Barret and Marlene have move to Wutai, for the schooling is cheaper there, and of course Marlene is starting school. Barret is in the middle of looking for a job where they don't mind a gun-arm. A bar? No the turtle's paradise's main employee now is... Yuffie. How would Barret be able to stand that? Barret's also jealous of how big Yuffie's place is for just her when his house with Marlene is so puny, even Yuffie's cat house is bigger than there's, too many cat's... way too many... Maybe Barret is just going through a hard time) Marlene: Daddy I'm ready for school!  
(Barret wakes up to see that Marlene's ready in a purple skirt and a white shirt and carrying a banana and some papers) Barret: Alright... Marlene...bye! Hello? Are you awake? Hee!  
(Marlene grabs a battery and some wire and a metal rod with a rubber end and put's them together and pokes Barret with it) Barret: Oww that burns! Who taught you to make that? Marlene: Yuffie did! I think it's cool! Barret: Remind me to hurt Yuffie later. Marlene: I'm leaving!  
(Marlene goes outside and meets up with Yuffie at a corner) Marlene: Hey Yuffie! Sorry my dad slept again! Yuffie: Did you make that secret weapon? Marlene: Yep and my dad said to remind him to hurt you later. Yuffie: Alright! I was looking for a challenge! Oh, you better go. You don't want to be late for your 2nd day of school. Marlene: Alright bye! (Back with Barret reading the job section of the newspaper) Barret: Let's see... boys town hotline, no, butcher, no, advertising for the anti-guns act, no, Wanted new guinea pig for Professor Hojo, no, Rufus' pallbearer, no, Want to give thanks to the god's? Become a monk, NO WAY... new flower girl, heck no, hmm?  
(There's a cat on the floor next to him singing) Cat: Meow, meow, meow, meow! Barret: Git!  
(He turns to read again only to turn around to see two cat's now) 2-cats: Meow, meow, meow, meow! Barret: I hate cats!  
(He reads again and turns to see 4 cats now) 4-cats: Meow, meow, meow, meow! Barret: I hate ye' ...dang cats! (He goes to the fridge and turns around and there are 8 cats) 8-cats: Meow, meow, meow, meow! (He grabs a beer and turns around and now there are 16 cats) 16-cats: Meow, meow, meow, meow! Barret: I'm going frickin' crazy!! 32-cats: Meow, meow, meow, meow! Barret: I need to cuss!! Jessie's ghost: Why can't you? Biggs ghost: The Author thought that anything that would be offensive to all the kids with little minds he would have to take out before he got sued or bad replies, which takes out the part of me being able to get with Aeris' ghostly but sexy body!!! Jessie:...but what about the parents who will now wonder why kids want a metal rod and a huge battery with wire who will sue him for such ideas? Wedge's ghost: what about any subliminal messaging that would make people want to join the navy or smoke the good stuff?! (Barret's eyes widened with disbelief) Jessie: What are you smoking now? Wedge: Anaujiram! Biggs: Wedge!! Wedge: Nobody answered me. Biggs: NOW YOU SHALL BE PUT IN THE AUTHOR'S PIT OF THE ACCURSED!!! Wedge: (sarcastically) Oh no! Not the pit of the accursed! What will I do?! Voice: WONDER IF YOU WILL BE ABLE TO FIT IN THE PIT!! YOU HAVE MOCKED THE AUTHOR FOR THE LAST TIME!! ( Wedge disappears) Barret: Biggs, Jessie! Is it really you?! Jessie and Wedge: Yes we are and we have something to tell you. Barret: What, what is it! Jessie and Biggs: Meow, meow, meow, meow- Barret: No, NO N~OOOOOOOOOO  
(their figures turn into cats) 34-cats: Meow, meow, meow, meow! Barret: NOOOOOOOO!!  
( He runs out and meets the Turks) Barret: Help me! I'm being chased by Satin's kitties! Elena: AACK!!! cough! At least let me be able to breathe! Barret: I ...need help from the... ... FREAKING CATS!!!!! Reno: What cats? Barret: Right over there!! Reno: I see no cats, have you lost it? Rude: Must have, he's not cussing at us. Barret: The author has forbidden it! Elena: What author? Barret: The one writing this fanfic! Reno: Go away or else I will have to shock you. Barret: fine, FI~NE!  
( He walks away and turns back and looks at them) Elena: You're a freaking loser! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Barret: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 3-turks now as cats: Meow, meow, meow, meow Barret: No ye darn cats! I hate you! 37-cats: Meow, meow, meow, meow! (Barret runs away and fast) Elena: I still see no cats. Reno: Well do you still want to go see Cats and Dogs after that? Elena: Anything with you! Rude: ...Tifa... ( Barret runs toward the south of Wutai ( Oh by the way after the war Wutai got more popular and has now become more prosperous) and runs into a group of 8 kids next to the river Barret: Great, cats hate water! 1-kid: You're scary looking. 2-kid: Mr. are you a psycho? 3-kid:... ignore him. 4-kid: Hewwo wittle fishies, hewwo! 5-kid: You think he's going to shoot us? 6-kid: I WANNA GO HOME!! 4-kid: Hewwo wittle fishies, hewwo! 7-kid:... 2-Kid: Are you a murderer? 4-kid: Hewwo wittle fishies, hewwo! Barret: I'm leaving! ( Barret is a bit away from them) 8-kid: Let's all sing Row, row, row your boat! Other kids: K All kids: Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream! merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream!  
Meow, meow, meow, mew, mew, meow, mew, mew, meow, mew! Meow, mew, mew, meow, mew, mew, meow, mew, mew meow mew, meow, mew, mew! Barret: Noo! 45- cats: Meow, meow, meow, meow! Barret: No~o, no, no, o, NO!  
( he ran to Yuffie's house and knocked on the door... no answer, he then goes and tries the cat house, bad idea he goes in and finds all of her 15 cats) 15-cats: Meow, meow, meow, meow! Barret: No! 60-cats: Meow, meow, meow, meow! Barret: Maybe if I close my eyes and think real hard that there not there, they won't be!  
( he closed his eyes and once he opened them there were even more cats) 120-cats: Meow, meow, meow, meow!  
( the cats bobbed their heads from left to right like a metronome) Barret: THAT'S...IT!!! I HAVE... HAD IT!!!!  
( Barret starts shooting all the cats and the illusions disappeared while the real cats flew all over the place ( that meanie!) Now his eyes are all bloodshot and he goes around the town and meets Gorky) Gorky: Aren't you one of *BOOM* Barret: DIE, DIE, DIE!! I HATE CATS!!! ( Next Shake comes up) Shake: What happened to Gorky?! Did you * BOOM* Barret: NOW WHAT LITTLE KITTY WANTS TO DIE NEXT?!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chekov: Barret! What the hell's wrong with *BOOM, BOOM, BOOM* Barret: HEY HOW COME THE CAT'S GET TO CUSS?!! Staniv: Oh no! Chekov! Darl~ *BOOM* Godo: Barret, you're senseless killing ends here! Now I shall sto~ *BOOM...BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM* Barret: ALL CATS MUST DIE!!! (at Yuffie's cat house... with Yuffie!!) Yuffie: MY CAT'S!! What happened?!! Cali? Nightshade? Tiger? Smokey? Please anyone of you speak to me!!  
( You can hear a faint mew) Yuffie: Oh you survived! I don't know what I would do without you!! ...or without them... Who did this?! ...? Gunshot wounds? Could it really be Barret? No! He wouldn't do that!  
( Barret walks by Marlene's school as it gets over with) Marlene: Hey daddy! Look what I made! (she put's on a cat masks and starts saying ...Meow, meow, meow...) *BOOOOOOOOOM!* Barret: Die all you damn cats die all you damn cats! ( He starts shooting everyone around there) You good for nothing f@#$%*^ pieces of S%#!!! OH no!!! The Hand that took wedge to the Author's Pit of the accursed!!  
( Slowly the hand comes closer and then get right behind him and ties him up in tons of ropes and knocks him over on his butt and bitch-slaps him) Barret: I didn't mean to cuss!! Please!! ( the hand becomes the hands of Yuffie tying him up) Yuffie: Do you think I care? You killed my cats!!  
( She hit's him hard enough in the stomach to knock him out... later when he awakes he finds himself in a closed space all dark) Barret: I'M IN THE AUTHOR'S PIT OF THE ACCURSED!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!! Yuffie: Actually it's a mental asylum you jackass!  
( she has a cat in her hand and starts petting it) Yuffie: Don't worry Fluffy! He can't hurt you while he's in there.  
( Yuffie leaves) Barret: Don't leave me here alone! What about Marlene? Who'll take care of her? Guard: Thanks to you, God will. Barret: What? Guard: You killed her, like I killed Aeris... and soon you... Barret:?  
(the guard takes of his helmet and sure enough it's Sephiroth) Barret: Are you going to kill me now? Sephiroth: No... I'll let you suffer enough by staying here for a while knowing you'll be killed shortly... but when I will shall bug you and nobody will believe you! Barret: So why are you here? Sephiroth: I have a new plan for taking the world now! It all lies in that girl and her last cat... Barret: The cat? Sephiroth: Yes! I had played mind games on you for your mind is very, very weak and fragile! Barret: Why me? Sephiroth: What else? To dispatch the 5 gods of the pagoda and find out which cat has the power I want... I was hoping Yuffie would have been killed but she is too powerful for you and her mental defenses are greater than that of which I can beat! Barret: But what about the cat what's it to you? Sephiroth: Do you now anything about ancient Egypt? The gods were represented by a symbol of an animal... Barret: What the hell is Egypt?! Sephiroth: While during my brief moment of death I gained the knowledge of people of other worlds and such magic and a way to cheat death as though I were not one among the spirits! and now I need special animals of each of the Egyptian gods. Barret: A cat was a god? Sephiroth: No... the feral cats made sure the dead stayed there... dead, but now all but one feral cat exists and I needed someone to search for it for me. Barret: And what does that little brat have to do with anything? Sephiroth: Like the ancients who were the only ones who could use the white materia, only one who has been trained by one of the gods and a follower of da chao can use the aura materia! Barret: Aura materia? Sephiroth: Yes a very special materia which shall allow me access to other dimensions and planets and only that girl can do it now! Barret: ... Why are you telling me this? Sephiroth: Cause nobody will believe you! Now I shall keep a close watch on my little gatekeeper's Barret: What's so important about the cat? what are you using it for? Sephiroth: To bring my mother back you dumb-ass! Barret: Jenova's not your mother! Sephiroth: Than who is? Barret: Umm... ( Damn I forgot!) Barbara Streisand ? Sephiroth: Like that's true! NOT! And now I shall begin eyeing my pawns  
( It goes to a scene with Yuffie walking with fluffy (the feral kitty) and then evil Sephiroth eyes appear above her and then here comes an evil laugh) Sephiroth: Mwa ha ha ha ha!!  
( Yuffie hugs the cat and a little "To be continued sign should be popping in the bottom of the scene your imagining of straight as I put this) Author:... ... ... To be continued... 


End file.
